Just two days ago, my wonderful wife, Julia, and I bought a car.
Thanks as much to a hiccup in communication as anything, I fell under the impression that she had in mind a coupe instead of a sedan (a two-door rather than four-door), and there was also a bit of confusion about color and the type of transmission.
We worked it out easily, at least some of the process taking place in the presence of the car salesman (to his mild amusement), and we bought a nice little Honda Civic.
I proceeded to post a blog entry which was formulaic in that it stretched the truth ever so slightly in order to paint a picture of Julia as bully, and me as victim. I thought the way I wrote it was cute, but I have to admit it was not exactly the truth.
To her credit, Julia did not get mad at all, but did raise the question: did I really want a more-sporty car? And, if that was the case, why did I give in so easily when she raised the concerns she had about the usability of a coupe vs. a four-door design?
I pleaded guilty to engineering a plot solely for the benefit of a story to tell in my blog, and I also acknowledged that she was right on the practical points. We really needed this car to be accessible for four or five people, not the pain that a coupe causes when that many people need to be transported.
So, why am I telling this story here? It's simple: a very important lesson to be learned if you plan to have a successful relationship will involve both admitting when you make a mistake, and offering gentle questioning when you know your partner has erred.
If you cannot give it up for your partner when you are wrong, you need to spend some time considering how to grow into a more mature person. If you cannot be gentle with your partner when he or she has made a mistake and you need to help them see it...yep, you, too, need to visit the Maturation Clinic and grow up some.
Here's a key point: right and wrong are far, far less important than are closeness and intimacy. Tell your ego to take a hike sometimes so you can grow closer to your mate. Save the right-vs-wrong contest for trivia bowls!
Monday, May 26, 2008
Monday, February 4, 2008
Happy Birthday, My Love!
Today is Rick's birthday, and I'm feeling overwhelming appreciation that he decided to show up on the planet when he did! Interestingly (or, at least, it's interesting to me!), he was born 23 days and five minutes sooner than I was, in a town about 60 minutes from where I was. He was born in Chapel Hill, NC, on the UNC campus and I was born in Lexington, NC.
That wouldn't be all that interesting except that when I met Rick, I was in North Carolina and he was in Colorado. We were both 43 at that time.We met online and for the first couple of weeks of our online friendship, I had no idea that he had NC roots--that his parents descended from generations of North Carolinians. I, on the other hand, am the daughter of NC newbies--my family has only been there for 60 years or so.
I always imagine that we were buddies in another realm and decided it would be fun to incarnate on Earth. I see the conversation as going something like this:
I say, "Look--it promises to be a grand adventure and all, but I'm not all that sure about it--could you please go first and check things out to be sure it's okay?"
And then Rick says, "I'd do anything for you, baby!" and leaps into the abyss, finding himself in a cradle in North Carolina (definitely God's country). He sends a message, "It's OOOOOOOOOOOKKKKKKKKKK...come on down!"
And so I wait till the timing is perfect, and I leap, too, finding myself blown off course a little so that I end up in a body in a cradle in a town not too far away, but just far enough that we don't find each other for quite some time.
Okay. A fantasy. But it does feel we were destined, even if it took more than 4 decades and a lot of mileage to find each other again.
I actually started writing this because I wanted to pay tribute to Rick's wonderfulness. He's not only my lover and best friend, he's like the big brother I always dreamed of having--you know, the one that takes care of you and protects you and gives you really good advice and helps you remember who you are, putting you in your place when needed!
Here is a list of just some of the things I love about Rick besides that he is devoted to me and is always doing things to make my life richer, more fun, and easier. He's:
brilliant
insightful
articulate
compassionate
quick-witted
funny
intuitive
giving
patient
helpful
easy-going
loyal
wise
trustworthy
mine! (okay--so no one belongs to another, but you know what I mean!)
Happy Birthday, my love!
That wouldn't be all that interesting except that when I met Rick, I was in North Carolina and he was in Colorado. We were both 43 at that time.We met online and for the first couple of weeks of our online friendship, I had no idea that he had NC roots--that his parents descended from generations of North Carolinians. I, on the other hand, am the daughter of NC newbies--my family has only been there for 60 years or so.
I always imagine that we were buddies in another realm and decided it would be fun to incarnate on Earth. I see the conversation as going something like this:
I say, "Look--it promises to be a grand adventure and all, but I'm not all that sure about it--could you please go first and check things out to be sure it's okay?"
And then Rick says, "I'd do anything for you, baby!" and leaps into the abyss, finding himself in a cradle in North Carolina (definitely God's country). He sends a message, "It's OOOOOOOOOOOKKKKKKKKKK...come on down!"
And so I wait till the timing is perfect, and I leap, too, finding myself blown off course a little so that I end up in a body in a cradle in a town not too far away, but just far enough that we don't find each other for quite some time.
Okay. A fantasy. But it does feel we were destined, even if it took more than 4 decades and a lot of mileage to find each other again.
I actually started writing this because I wanted to pay tribute to Rick's wonderfulness. He's not only my lover and best friend, he's like the big brother I always dreamed of having--you know, the one that takes care of you and protects you and gives you really good advice and helps you remember who you are, putting you in your place when needed!
Here is a list of just some of the things I love about Rick besides that he is devoted to me and is always doing things to make my life richer, more fun, and easier. He's:
brilliant
insightful
articulate
compassionate
quick-witted
funny
intuitive
giving
patient
helpful
easy-going
loyal
wise
trustworthy
mine! (okay--so no one belongs to another, but you know what I mean!)
Happy Birthday, my love!
Sunday, October 21, 2007
You! You are magnificent and special!
Julia and I were talking a couple of days ago, and she mentioned something which, this morning, triggered in me a desire to capture here the essence of what she said.
I had just gotten home from work, and as is often the case, our little boy dachshund wanted the chance to chase a chew toy down the hall a couple of times. That's pretty much his limit: if he goes after the toy twice, I know he has had enough of that game and let him go back to relaxing in his mom's office.
Each time he would bring the toy back, both Julia and I would praise him as if he had just found a combination miracle which cured all disease and made all humanity get along forever.
Once he was done retrieving, she said, "How cool would it be if someone would praise us that way for all the normal things we do in life? What if, when you got to work, people were waiting to praise you with a huge smile on their faces, just for showing up? What if, when you stopped for a red light driving home that day, someone 'Wooohooo!!'ed you for stopping when you were supposed to?"
While we just laughed at the time and went on about our end-of-the-workday routine, the idea stuck with me.
I don't propose the sort of out-of-proportion praise we talked about, but what if we all made the effort to say 'thanks' only two or three times a day more often than we already do?
From a relationship standpoint, are there chores or tasks or favors your partner takes on for you which you have come to take for granted? Can you find the places in your daily life where an extra, heartfelt 'thanks!' would fit? If you can, then express it in the moment. If you cannot, then step back and consider where you have gone astray. We all have huge areas where we can be in gratitude, and it is part of our sacred journey to acknowledge them. And, it serves the person in gratitude every bit as much to say thank you, as it does the person to whom it is said!
In the spirit of this idea, I wish to thank my beloved wife, Julia, for her generous praise (and honest appraisal, as I am a nut) in her post here yesterday.
Thank you, Julia, who married a nut and sticks it out anyway!
I had just gotten home from work, and as is often the case, our little boy dachshund wanted the chance to chase a chew toy down the hall a couple of times. That's pretty much his limit: if he goes after the toy twice, I know he has had enough of that game and let him go back to relaxing in his mom's office.
Each time he would bring the toy back, both Julia and I would praise him as if he had just found a combination miracle which cured all disease and made all humanity get along forever.
Once he was done retrieving, she said, "How cool would it be if someone would praise us that way for all the normal things we do in life? What if, when you got to work, people were waiting to praise you with a huge smile on their faces, just for showing up? What if, when you stopped for a red light driving home that day, someone 'Wooohooo!!'ed you for stopping when you were supposed to?"
While we just laughed at the time and went on about our end-of-the-workday routine, the idea stuck with me.
I don't propose the sort of out-of-proportion praise we talked about, but what if we all made the effort to say 'thanks' only two or three times a day more often than we already do?
From a relationship standpoint, are there chores or tasks or favors your partner takes on for you which you have come to take for granted? Can you find the places in your daily life where an extra, heartfelt 'thanks!' would fit? If you can, then express it in the moment. If you cannot, then step back and consider where you have gone astray. We all have huge areas where we can be in gratitude, and it is part of our sacred journey to acknowledge them. And, it serves the person in gratitude every bit as much to say thank you, as it does the person to whom it is said!
In the spirit of this idea, I wish to thank my beloved wife, Julia, for her generous praise (and honest appraisal, as I am a nut) in her post here yesterday.
Thank you, Julia, who married a nut and sticks it out anyway!
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Happy YDBMFAWYYD Day
My husband is a silly, silly man. And a wonderful one. He brings me roses for all the major occasions such as YDBMFAWYYD Day.
This Saturday morning, I awoke to find that he was gone (he had told me he'd need to be at his office assisting with a project this morning for about an hour), but he had left me a kitchen sink full of 2 dozen of the most gorgeous red roses I believe I'd ever seen! (The roses, still swaddled in florist wrap, were carefully placed in a saucepan of water to keep them hydrated until I arranged them.)
There was no note with them, but I found an email announcing that these gorgeous flowers are for "YDBMFAWYYD Day." I could not find this on my calendar.
Upon his return from the office, he revealed that YDBMFAWYYD Day is "You Don't Bring Me Flowers Anymore WAIT! Yes You Do!" Day. Sigh...I married a nut.
It has, indeed, been awhile since he came home with flowers for me--something I didn't even realize till today when he told me what day it is. But that's okay--he tells me and shows me in what high esteem he holds me (the man is very clear I'm the queen!) in so very many ways every day, it's not like I need the roses to know. However that is NOT said to discourage him from acting on his flower-buying impulses--just to say they are just icing on a very voluptuous cake of affection! (Okay--so we're both a little nutty--a perfect fit!)
Friday, October 19, 2007
Our own relationship story (part nine)
Here is the latest installment of the now-ten-year-old story of how Julia and I found each other and became a couple. For those of you who are new to our blog, please note that the earlier parts of the story are in the earliest posts to the blog. The parts are numbered so you can read them in sequence if you wish.
----(Julia's story)
Now that the way was made clear for us to be together from the standpoint of no relationship complications, I suddenly felt something entirely new to me: I had attracted a completely available man! And that meant I needed to be completely available to him! Yikes! That both exhilarated and terrified me at the same time. But by this point, I was so in love with Rick that I knew I'd do whatever it took to work through my fear.
The first obstacle that arose--if you can even call it that, based on my determination to plow through anything that might be in our way-- was location. I was in North Carolina, and he was in Colorado. But there was no doubt where we'd need to be if we were going to bring this relationship into 3-D, real life. Because Rick had young children in Denver (at the time, the four girls were 5, 7, 9, and 11 respectively), and because I would not possibly stand for him being an absentee dad, nor would he, I would be moving to Colorado.
For some, the chance to move to Colorado would have been a dream-come-true...but not for me. Unlike so many folks I knew, I had never felt deeply called westward. I had never been prone to romantic notions of the West, nor attracted by the supposedly more spiritual vibe present west of the Mississippi that I had heard much talk about. Yes--at one point, several years before, I had considered a possible move to Santa Fe because of it's arts community (at the time, I was very focused on my collage work), but was very torn at the idea of leaving the lush, verdant Southeast to live somewhere dry and brown. My longing was for somewhere even greener, even warmer, even more humid--I could feel the tropics calling. When I had an astro-locality reading around that time, the man reading my chart was very adamant that I would have way too many challenges in Santa Fe to be happy. In fact, he advised, I needed to stay away from that longitude altogether as my Pluto IC line ran right through it, connoting some place that would be highly transformative but in painful ways. Guess what other city is on my Pluto line? Yep. Denver. At the time, I had vowed to stay clear of it!
As my connection to Rick deepened before he had cut things off with "Susan," I had even rationalized the impossibility of us getting together and consoled myself about his unavailable status because of the Denver "problem." But there was another vow in place that superseded the declaration to avoid Denver and vicinity. I had long ago made a solemn pledge to Spirit that I would go wherever I was called to be, no matter what or where, as long as I was very clear it was my God-Self guiding me there. (This was before I had overcome the notion that spiritual sacrifice was a necessity!) And I was definitely feeling the call to Denver.
So, in my mind, choosing to be with Rick meant choosing to live in Denver. Now, remember--we had never seen each other in person before, but we had already entered so deeply into the space called "Us," there wasn't much question about continuing to follow the energy. As I pondered these things, one thing became clear: I had no choice. Okay--I had a choice, techically speaking, but according to my heart, I had no choice at all. Thus, I composed the following email to Rick:
======================================================
There is something important that I want you to know...I am not telling you this in order to push the river, only that you will know what is going on with me. Do you remember the following melodramatic pronouncement cut and pasted from an October 28 message?
======
"I want to tell you something which helps me come to terms with the
parameters of our relationship. Yes, there's your committment to Susan.
But there is also something in the back of my mind that adds to my
understanding that our being more than friends at a distance is probably
not destined to be. You live in Colorado. You have children who are
important to you who live in Colorado. I have, at least at this time,
next to zero interest in living in Colorado! My aim is to be in warm
places--tropical would be nice--and the thought of living somewhere
where there are blizzards in October and more in May, sounds like a
recipe for terminal depression to me! So if we ever got together, we'd
have to have the kids and their mother move wherever we were! Since that
sounds a little impossible, and since you are in love with and have
plans with S, I know I'd better forget about any possibilities
other than the one we are exploring now. Love and friendship at a
distance! (See how adept my mind is at finding ways to assure my heart
of what can be, what cannot?)"
======
Well, just so you'll know, I would rather be in a blizzard and warm with you than in the blazing hot sun on the beach anywhere, without you. Because that would be much colder. No more artificial barriers. Just so you'll know.
======================================================
Recognizing that Rick and Denver were a package deal, and most likely my destiny, it was time to set up a trip to Denver to meet my destiny face-to-face. And so, I began to research deals on airline tickets.
----(Rick's story)
Just as Julia mentions, there is both exhilaration and big-time fear that strikes when you are no longer pushing against anything! It reminds me a lot of being in a tug-o-war and having the other side suddenly let go of the rope.
My own feelings at that time were mostly about how we could make this dream a reality. It was funny that, as we both spoke of it being time to be in the same room, finally, we got off the phone and *both* began looking for flights.
I never even considered that Julia would want to come to Denver, although it is certainly logical that she would--as she says, this is where we would be living for a number of years.
But, doesn't the guy make the first trip? I thought so, and so did Julia's dad!
Both of us got a big surprise when she announced the grand plan, and she was flying to Denver.
This time between when my earlier relationship ended and when Julia's flight pulled up to the gate in Denver was excruciating. In fact, the gap in time between each of our trips was too painful to be believed!
We simply ached when we were not together. We ached before we had ever been together, but it was only worse once we spent a few days with each other.
I won't go further than Julia went in this chapter, so I better stop now. I will, though, end with an email quoted from November of 1997. Our comments are interspersed, with the person speaking noted at the beginning of each section:
-----
J: So, so much to say--so, so little energy to say it! There are a few
things I can say that GIVE me much more energy than it requires to say
them. The first is, I am so very, very thankful to have found you. I
spend a part of every moment thanking God for this miracle--this
miracle, not only of US, but of YOU. You are truly a miracle to me.
R: I will treasure this email as long as I have sense enough to know
'treasure'. You, my love, GIVE care, and I take it with a grateful and
loving heart.
J: The next energizing thing I can say is, THANK YOU for being who you are.
R: Thank you, dear Julia, for KNOWING who I am.
J: And one more thing. I love you more than I will ever in a million years
have the words to say. But you know that.
R: And I know I will spend every moment, at some level, appreciating and
honoring you. You are, to me, all that I can be, all that I want to be,
and all that I AM.
J: In the morning, I will need to deliver Meals on Wheels so I have got to
try to get some sleep. I will email you whenever possible--its just if I
don't get one off to you before I leave, you know I am sending you
cosmic emails aplenty on the wavelength. And, of course, I will send you
one immediately upon my return.
R: Hug somebody for me. I'll be there when you do.
J: Good night, good night.
Your woman
R: Whenever you doubt yourself, I am here.
Whatever it takes, just ask.
Always, my woman... ALWAYS, right now...
I am your man.
----(Julia's story)
Now that the way was made clear for us to be together from the standpoint of no relationship complications, I suddenly felt something entirely new to me: I had attracted a completely available man! And that meant I needed to be completely available to him! Yikes! That both exhilarated and terrified me at the same time. But by this point, I was so in love with Rick that I knew I'd do whatever it took to work through my fear.
The first obstacle that arose--if you can even call it that, based on my determination to plow through anything that might be in our way-- was location. I was in North Carolina, and he was in Colorado. But there was no doubt where we'd need to be if we were going to bring this relationship into 3-D, real life. Because Rick had young children in Denver (at the time, the four girls were 5, 7, 9, and 11 respectively), and because I would not possibly stand for him being an absentee dad, nor would he, I would be moving to Colorado.
For some, the chance to move to Colorado would have been a dream-come-true...but not for me. Unlike so many folks I knew, I had never felt deeply called westward. I had never been prone to romantic notions of the West, nor attracted by the supposedly more spiritual vibe present west of the Mississippi that I had heard much talk about. Yes--at one point, several years before, I had considered a possible move to Santa Fe because of it's arts community (at the time, I was very focused on my collage work), but was very torn at the idea of leaving the lush, verdant Southeast to live somewhere dry and brown. My longing was for somewhere even greener, even warmer, even more humid--I could feel the tropics calling. When I had an astro-locality reading around that time, the man reading my chart was very adamant that I would have way too many challenges in Santa Fe to be happy. In fact, he advised, I needed to stay away from that longitude altogether as my Pluto IC line ran right through it, connoting some place that would be highly transformative but in painful ways. Guess what other city is on my Pluto line? Yep. Denver. At the time, I had vowed to stay clear of it!
As my connection to Rick deepened before he had cut things off with "Susan," I had even rationalized the impossibility of us getting together and consoled myself about his unavailable status because of the Denver "problem." But there was another vow in place that superseded the declaration to avoid Denver and vicinity. I had long ago made a solemn pledge to Spirit that I would go wherever I was called to be, no matter what or where, as long as I was very clear it was my God-Self guiding me there. (This was before I had overcome the notion that spiritual sacrifice was a necessity!) And I was definitely feeling the call to Denver.
So, in my mind, choosing to be with Rick meant choosing to live in Denver. Now, remember--we had never seen each other in person before, but we had already entered so deeply into the space called "Us," there wasn't much question about continuing to follow the energy. As I pondered these things, one thing became clear: I had no choice. Okay--I had a choice, techically speaking, but according to my heart, I had no choice at all. Thus, I composed the following email to Rick:
======================================================
There is something important that I want you to know...I am not telling you this in order to push the river, only that you will know what is going on with me. Do you remember the following melodramatic pronouncement cut and pasted from an October 28 message?
======
"I want to tell you something which helps me come to terms with the
parameters of our relationship. Yes, there's your committment to Susan.
But there is also something in the back of my mind that adds to my
understanding that our being more than friends at a distance is probably
not destined to be. You live in Colorado. You have children who are
important to you who live in Colorado. I have, at least at this time,
next to zero interest in living in Colorado! My aim is to be in warm
places--tropical would be nice--and the thought of living somewhere
where there are blizzards in October and more in May, sounds like a
recipe for terminal depression to me! So if we ever got together, we'd
have to have the kids and their mother move wherever we were! Since that
sounds a little impossible, and since you are in love with and have
plans with S, I know I'd better forget about any possibilities
other than the one we are exploring now. Love and friendship at a
distance! (See how adept my mind is at finding ways to assure my heart
of what can be, what cannot?)"
======
Well, just so you'll know, I would rather be in a blizzard and warm with you than in the blazing hot sun on the beach anywhere, without you. Because that would be much colder. No more artificial barriers. Just so you'll know.
======================================================
Recognizing that Rick and Denver were a package deal, and most likely my destiny, it was time to set up a trip to Denver to meet my destiny face-to-face. And so, I began to research deals on airline tickets.
----(Rick's story)
Just as Julia mentions, there is both exhilaration and big-time fear that strikes when you are no longer pushing against anything! It reminds me a lot of being in a tug-o-war and having the other side suddenly let go of the rope.
My own feelings at that time were mostly about how we could make this dream a reality. It was funny that, as we both spoke of it being time to be in the same room, finally, we got off the phone and *both* began looking for flights.
I never even considered that Julia would want to come to Denver, although it is certainly logical that she would--as she says, this is where we would be living for a number of years.
But, doesn't the guy make the first trip? I thought so, and so did Julia's dad!
Both of us got a big surprise when she announced the grand plan, and she was flying to Denver.
This time between when my earlier relationship ended and when Julia's flight pulled up to the gate in Denver was excruciating. In fact, the gap in time between each of our trips was too painful to be believed!
We simply ached when we were not together. We ached before we had ever been together, but it was only worse once we spent a few days with each other.
I won't go further than Julia went in this chapter, so I better stop now. I will, though, end with an email quoted from November of 1997. Our comments are interspersed, with the person speaking noted at the beginning of each section:
-----
J: So, so much to say--so, so little energy to say it! There are a few
things I can say that GIVE me much more energy than it requires to say
them. The first is, I am so very, very thankful to have found you. I
spend a part of every moment thanking God for this miracle--this
miracle, not only of US, but of YOU. You are truly a miracle to me.
R: I will treasure this email as long as I have sense enough to know
'treasure'. You, my love, GIVE care, and I take it with a grateful and
loving heart.
J: The next energizing thing I can say is, THANK YOU for being who you are.
R: Thank you, dear Julia, for KNOWING who I am.
J: And one more thing. I love you more than I will ever in a million years
have the words to say. But you know that.
R: And I know I will spend every moment, at some level, appreciating and
honoring you. You are, to me, all that I can be, all that I want to be,
and all that I AM.
J: In the morning, I will need to deliver Meals on Wheels so I have got to
try to get some sleep. I will email you whenever possible--its just if I
don't get one off to you before I leave, you know I am sending you
cosmic emails aplenty on the wavelength. And, of course, I will send you
one immediately upon my return.
R: Hug somebody for me. I'll be there when you do.
J: Good night, good night.
Your woman
R: Whenever you doubt yourself, I am here.
Whatever it takes, just ask.
Always, my woman... ALWAYS, right now...
I am your man.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Our own relationship story (part eight)
Part eight of our story. Again, the story begins with the earliest posts to this blog, so you may wish to read from oldest back up to the newer ones.
----(Julia's story)
So…as I left off last time, Rick and I were finally both on the same page with the knowing that we were in love and being powerfully drawn together, and Rick was knowing that he needed to break it off with…we’ll call her “Susan” (not her real name). For him, it was really something terrifying to contemplate, as he had never broken up with anyone before. I, on the other hand, had a track record of breaking things off with men. Since the breakup of my first marriage, and learning the lesson of how much better it feels not to lie to yourself or to stay in a relationship where you’re not fully able to be yourself and have the kind of emotional intimacy you really want, I’d never been inclined to stay in any relationship that was unhealthy. By the time I found Rick, I had lots of practice at taking my leave from men. So I was a bit perplexed at what the big deal was for him! But he is a very kind-hearted guy, and didn’t want to hurt Susan.
I was eager for him to go ahead and do the deed, and, despite his trepidation, he was ready to just get it taken care of, but she got sick, and asked him not to come see her, much to Rick’s chagrin, so his breaking up with her had to be postponed for a few days. In the meantime, we talked a lot about things, and I coached him to be lovingly honest and to visualize it going well. When at last (okay, it was only about a week, but a week at that point felt like months), she sent word that she was ready for him to come see her, I arranged to be at a girlfriend’s house so that I wouldn’t drive myself crazy wondering about it. I was really nervous for him, and prayed that she would take the news well and not be too hurt. Here is part of our email exchange from that day, Nov. 21, 1997:
===
Rick:
I thank you for loving me, for being so open to my love, and for helping me see who I am capable of being.
Julia:
I am so pleased with the progress you have made toward making tonight's duty clean, clear, and loving. I can feel your confidence and strength.
Rick:
I'm pretty relaxed about it. For setting out to do something I have never done in my life, I'm surprisingly relaxed. All the visualizations and the talks we have had, as well as asking Spirit to be with me during this time, have made me as ready as I can be.
Julia:
This is a blessed mission--a critical part of us becoming completely US without any unclarity to sully our union. As you know, (my inner child issues aside) it has always been somewhat of a cloud lurking in the background of this thing we call US, and after tonight, it will be cleared away, the integrity of US, complete.
Rick:
I'm about 15 minutes from leaving for the Springs, and you know just what I need. The weather today--first the clouds coming in, then the sun peeking out, now the wind whipping up a bit, reminds me of the many possible outcomes tonight. All of them have one thing in common, and that is the very clarifying you refer to above. I look forward to that clarity and will hold the importance of it in my heart.
Julia:
I am very glad that you understand that your being clear and being true to yourself (and to US) is ultimately a blessing to her as well. That will help you withstand the parts where you will see pain in her face. Temporary pain in exchange for her freedom to create something more appropriate for her. Growing pains. I will keep her particularly in my heart tonight.
Rick:
I pray that she is able to feel the truth of this concept, as well. Growing pains... that will stick with me and come back when I need it, too. Thank you for your willingness to feel for her tonight!
===
And off he went. I expected it to be late when I heard from him, but was surprised when he called me a very short time after I knew he would have gotten to her house.
“It’s done,” he said, and proceeded to tell me that she had pretty much figured the whole thing out, and was expecting what happened—or at least, was prepared for it, and was not eager for him to hang around and hash things out, so she asked him to leave, which he did gladly. I was so relieved! I had braced myself for him to be really upset, with a possible report of her being really upset as well, but as it turned out, the whole episode was kind of anti-climactic since she had already intuited that it was over.
And then again—it was a spectacular moment, as we were finally free to be together! I’ll stop here, and let Rick tell what he remembers of it from his perspective.
----(Rick's story)
As you read in Julia's entry, we worked for days on my confidence and my own visualizations of an outcome that was clear-cut and, at the same time, done with feeling and honesty. There is no doubt in my mind that the week's delay was designed with my own preparation in mind. Spirit runs an efficient operation, you know!
I hopped in the van and drove the 60 miles or so to "Susan's" house. It was in the fall, so it was dark by the time I got there. When I walked in, she greeted me, but I could feel that she well knew things weren't the same.
We began to talk, and it soon became apparent that we were both aware that I was now heading down a different path than we both had thought only weeks before. Then, she confessed that, although she had the table set for dinner and had food ready to cook, she also had gotten my stuff together for easy transport. She was ready to go either way, depending upon what happened when I walked in the door.
Having spent a number of weekends at her house, there was a small collection of my stuff that had accumulated. I now discovered it carefully boxed up in her spare bedroom.
We spent a short while talking, but neither of us wanted to draw the scene out any longer than necessary. It wasn't a bad scene at all, but it was an uncomfortable situation. I had arrived that evening intending to hear her out for as long as she wished to talk or ask questions, or even rant if that was what she needed to do. I was surprised when she was done within a matter of minutes, and we decided it was time for me to leave. I loaded the few boxes of stuff into my van and headed back to Denver.
Of course, relief was the major emotion I felt on that drive back. I was glad to have had an honest and heartfelt conversation with my friend, and I was glad to now look forward to deciding with Julia where we were heading. One major complication for us had been dealt with, and I felt it had happened in a way that was gentle and honest.
Within a day or two, my friend did write me, asking some questions. I wrote her a long return message, and she was able to accept my answers in the spirit I offered them: I had never been dishonest with her, I had simply been struck by lightning when Julia came into my life. It was my own inability to see the truth of it for a few weeks that delayed things. It was important to me that my friend asked those hard questions of me, because I knew she deserved to hear what was in my heart, and we really had not come to closure the evening I was last at her house.
In less than a month from that night, Julia was flying to Denver for our first face-to-face meeting. By that time, we had exchanged thousands of email messages, and we had spent hundreds of hours on the phone. I don't believe two people could know each other any better within a couple of months while never setting eyes on each other.
We did have a small miscommunication happen when it came time to finally get together. I was making plans to fly to North Carolina at the same time as Julia was planning to fly to Denver. Fortunately, we did not end up in a real-life sitcom episode and fly simultaneously to opposite cities!
More to come…
----(Julia's story)
So…as I left off last time, Rick and I were finally both on the same page with the knowing that we were in love and being powerfully drawn together, and Rick was knowing that he needed to break it off with…we’ll call her “Susan” (not her real name). For him, it was really something terrifying to contemplate, as he had never broken up with anyone before. I, on the other hand, had a track record of breaking things off with men. Since the breakup of my first marriage, and learning the lesson of how much better it feels not to lie to yourself or to stay in a relationship where you’re not fully able to be yourself and have the kind of emotional intimacy you really want, I’d never been inclined to stay in any relationship that was unhealthy. By the time I found Rick, I had lots of practice at taking my leave from men. So I was a bit perplexed at what the big deal was for him! But he is a very kind-hearted guy, and didn’t want to hurt Susan.
I was eager for him to go ahead and do the deed, and, despite his trepidation, he was ready to just get it taken care of, but she got sick, and asked him not to come see her, much to Rick’s chagrin, so his breaking up with her had to be postponed for a few days. In the meantime, we talked a lot about things, and I coached him to be lovingly honest and to visualize it going well. When at last (okay, it was only about a week, but a week at that point felt like months), she sent word that she was ready for him to come see her, I arranged to be at a girlfriend’s house so that I wouldn’t drive myself crazy wondering about it. I was really nervous for him, and prayed that she would take the news well and not be too hurt. Here is part of our email exchange from that day, Nov. 21, 1997:
===
Rick:
I thank you for loving me, for being so open to my love, and for helping me see who I am capable of being.
Julia:
I am so pleased with the progress you have made toward making tonight's duty clean, clear, and loving. I can feel your confidence and strength.
Rick:
I'm pretty relaxed about it. For setting out to do something I have never done in my life, I'm surprisingly relaxed. All the visualizations and the talks we have had, as well as asking Spirit to be with me during this time, have made me as ready as I can be.
Julia:
This is a blessed mission--a critical part of us becoming completely US without any unclarity to sully our union. As you know, (my inner child issues aside) it has always been somewhat of a cloud lurking in the background of this thing we call US, and after tonight, it will be cleared away, the integrity of US, complete.
Rick:
I'm about 15 minutes from leaving for the Springs, and you know just what I need. The weather today--first the clouds coming in, then the sun peeking out, now the wind whipping up a bit, reminds me of the many possible outcomes tonight. All of them have one thing in common, and that is the very clarifying you refer to above. I look forward to that clarity and will hold the importance of it in my heart.
Julia:
I am very glad that you understand that your being clear and being true to yourself (and to US) is ultimately a blessing to her as well. That will help you withstand the parts where you will see pain in her face. Temporary pain in exchange for her freedom to create something more appropriate for her. Growing pains. I will keep her particularly in my heart tonight.
Rick:
I pray that she is able to feel the truth of this concept, as well. Growing pains... that will stick with me and come back when I need it, too. Thank you for your willingness to feel for her tonight!
===
And off he went. I expected it to be late when I heard from him, but was surprised when he called me a very short time after I knew he would have gotten to her house.
“It’s done,” he said, and proceeded to tell me that she had pretty much figured the whole thing out, and was expecting what happened—or at least, was prepared for it, and was not eager for him to hang around and hash things out, so she asked him to leave, which he did gladly. I was so relieved! I had braced myself for him to be really upset, with a possible report of her being really upset as well, but as it turned out, the whole episode was kind of anti-climactic since she had already intuited that it was over.
And then again—it was a spectacular moment, as we were finally free to be together! I’ll stop here, and let Rick tell what he remembers of it from his perspective.
----(Rick's story)
As you read in Julia's entry, we worked for days on my confidence and my own visualizations of an outcome that was clear-cut and, at the same time, done with feeling and honesty. There is no doubt in my mind that the week's delay was designed with my own preparation in mind. Spirit runs an efficient operation, you know!
I hopped in the van and drove the 60 miles or so to "Susan's" house. It was in the fall, so it was dark by the time I got there. When I walked in, she greeted me, but I could feel that she well knew things weren't the same.
We began to talk, and it soon became apparent that we were both aware that I was now heading down a different path than we both had thought only weeks before. Then, she confessed that, although she had the table set for dinner and had food ready to cook, she also had gotten my stuff together for easy transport. She was ready to go either way, depending upon what happened when I walked in the door.
Having spent a number of weekends at her house, there was a small collection of my stuff that had accumulated. I now discovered it carefully boxed up in her spare bedroom.
We spent a short while talking, but neither of us wanted to draw the scene out any longer than necessary. It wasn't a bad scene at all, but it was an uncomfortable situation. I had arrived that evening intending to hear her out for as long as she wished to talk or ask questions, or even rant if that was what she needed to do. I was surprised when she was done within a matter of minutes, and we decided it was time for me to leave. I loaded the few boxes of stuff into my van and headed back to Denver.
Of course, relief was the major emotion I felt on that drive back. I was glad to have had an honest and heartfelt conversation with my friend, and I was glad to now look forward to deciding with Julia where we were heading. One major complication for us had been dealt with, and I felt it had happened in a way that was gentle and honest.
Within a day or two, my friend did write me, asking some questions. I wrote her a long return message, and she was able to accept my answers in the spirit I offered them: I had never been dishonest with her, I had simply been struck by lightning when Julia came into my life. It was my own inability to see the truth of it for a few weeks that delayed things. It was important to me that my friend asked those hard questions of me, because I knew she deserved to hear what was in my heart, and we really had not come to closure the evening I was last at her house.
In less than a month from that night, Julia was flying to Denver for our first face-to-face meeting. By that time, we had exchanged thousands of email messages, and we had spent hundreds of hours on the phone. I don't believe two people could know each other any better within a couple of months while never setting eyes on each other.
We did have a small miscommunication happen when it came time to finally get together. I was making plans to fly to North Carolina at the same time as Julia was planning to fly to Denver. Fortunately, we did not end up in a real-life sitcom episode and fly simultaneously to opposite cities!
More to come…
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Our own relationship story (part seven)
Here is the next installment of our story. For those of you who are new to this website, please note that the story begins with the earliest posts on this blog. So, you might want to read from oldest to newest. The installments are numbered in the title line.
----(Julia's story)
Today (as I write this, it's November 7, 2005) is the 8-year anniversary of a major turning point in Rick's and my early relationship (see the last installment to see what happened), so it seems fitting that I’d finally get around to adding a chapter to the “soulmate saga” today. This time of year, I’m inclined to go back into my files of “Rick mail” and enjoy that magical time again through our writings. He and I both kept every email that passed between us—and, in fact, we keep all the emails we exchange to this day!
As I read the ones from November 7th, 1997, (there are 13 from that day in my files—we were prolific!), it brings back the memories of how my willingness to sacrifice our relationship in order to be in integrity brought such immense energy and clarity and power. At first, even though he’d admitted he’d rather be with me, I was encouraging him to deal with his relationship so that if it was meant to continue, they could continue with integrity. Here are some snippets of our exchange that day:
----
Julia:
Yes, OF COURSE you would rather be with me—for now I am the part of you you like the best about yourself. But sooner or later the "uutsy" parts of our relationship—the stuff which reflects what you like least about yourself—is bound to show up. Maybe this is the beginning of that period as I seem to have "lit up" a space in you which you did not want to look at--the part that is afraid of honesty's power to affect others.
Rick:
It does not change what I know. That is the piece of my being afraid that I did not say on the phone last night. You are doing your best to help us get to a more stable, more buddy-based place to be, and I'm swallowing my tongue because I don't want to spoil the plan. Don't worry, I will do everything I can to be your buddy. I needed, this morning as I read your note, to say this, though. You are everything I never knew I always wanted.
Julia:
I say this without fear you will think me conceited: I know that I am that to you. It is one reason why it has been frustrating for me that you had not, until last night, expressed any real doubts about your relationship with (girlfriend’s name). It is too big a piece of reality to keep pretending about. It must be a factor in how you proceed with her, not that it needs to split you apart, but it is something which you need to look at about yourself and for yourself so that you can bring the truth of yourself into your relationship with her. And with me.
It was good to hear you admit that you feel scared about (girlfriend’s) insecurities—I want you to be real with me—which is tantamount to being real with yourself. I am hoping that you will always remain honest with yourself and true to yourself when it comes to (girlfriend). It is the only way to help her. Loving her, but not giving up who you are to cater to her insecurities is the only way in the long run. You don't want to spend your life trying to convince someone of something that has to come from within her—that she is worthy. If she is not up to being really, really honest, then she is not--your relationship is not—what either of you need.
Rick:
I know. And, more than anything, I'm scared of the hurt. Not for me... somehow, pain and I became so well-acquainted in my late teens and early twenties that I know I can handle it. I see too much hurt... too much pain, and my name right out front on the marquee: Pain, starring Rick Hamrick. This has always been the hardest thing for me to do: do what is right for me, knowing that it will hurt someone else. Instead, I try to avoid the infliction and take it on, myself.
Julia:
Wow. He tries to be a super-hero. "I can withstand the pain! I will protect all from their feelings and their growth opportunities so that I won't have to bear the pain of seeing their pain!" I know you see the bogus-ness in that. The ironic part is their pain is going to be their pain in the end, just all saved up for them in a huge wallop instead of in manageable doses they can deal with as it comes...
If your relationship is really going to work past the first blush of discovery and fascination and infatuation, you had better--both of you--be ready to give it all up at any minute in order to let the Truth have its way. That, in my opinion, is the only way your (or any other) relationship has any chance at all of being a Big-Love caliber relationship—which I know you are VERY capable of and ready for—at least that is my projection in the matter.
----
Indeed, he was ready. I will share how we got from the “Julia as buddy/relationship coach” phase, to the “We have GOT to be together” phase in the next installment.
How true the old saying is, “If you love something, let it go free. If it is yours, it will return to you...” I certainly found that out on Nov. 7, 1997. It’s one of the most powerful lessons I ever learned. That, and that taking a stand for the truth—for integrity—is a gigantic frequency booster! I was one joyful woman that day! While I was coaching him about his relationship from a very clear space, I knew deep in my heart that he was my soulmate and that ours was "Big Love."
----(Rick's story)
While Julia goes for the higher vision of what we were up to at this time in our relationship—and I was right there with her much of the time—there was still one little problem to be dealt with: I was in a relationship, even if by this point in the evolution of our (Julia’s and mine) relationship, I absolutely knew where I belonged. It wasn’t with the person I was with at the time.
I’ll admit right here in front of anyone who wanders by that the prospect of ending a relationship simply frightened me no end. Let’s face it, I was in my 40’s by the time Julia and I met, so it’s not like I had not already had a good many years of being in relationships with women. Here’s the key, though: not once in those 30 years of relationships had I been the one who decided it was over. Never.
There was a moment in my life when I was in my 20’s and talking with my best friend, when the realization hit me that I had not been in a relationship with a woman that I had instigated! I did manage to figure out that side of the relationship cycle—after all, that’s the fun part, when you first meet someone and decide you want to get to know each other better—and become active participant instead of leaf carried wherever the current goes. At some point we all have to reach a level of maturity where we are, at least at the human level, driving our lives some of the time (please note that this entire soliloquy is not coming from my Higher Self for the most part, but from my small, human, duality-living self, and that’s okay. I’m talking about a time in my life when I was much less able to stay with something higher for very long).
So, as Julia quoted in her description of that time, we had reached a point where I was professing my love for her, and she was steering me to complete what I was doing with integrity, whether that meant finding a way to remain with the person I was in relationship with, or finding a way to come out of it ethically and responsibly.
Not so coincidentally I have come to know, my then-girlfriend had been sick for a few days and had insisted that I not drive down to see her and help her (I’m a pretty good nurse, able to heat a can of soup or fix some dry toast without hurting myself or wrecking the kitchen, and able to comfort those in need without losing patients [sorry…it came out of the keyboard that way so it must be God making a joke]). While I was certainly willing to drive down (she lived 60 miles from me) and take care of her, she was quite insistent that I not do so.
Here we were at this pause in everyone’s life who was intimately involved with this little drama: my girlfriend sick and not wanting to see me, my soulmate (Julia) declining yet to accept the love I was fully committed to offering her until she did, and me wondering what the heck I was doing in the driver’s seat! At that moment, I knew why I had let events take their own course so many times in the past: it beat the heck out of steering when the road was unfamiliar and had no guardrails to keep things headed in the right direction. Scary? You bet!
No doubt, regardless of how much I knew of it at the time, there was Higher Wisdom at work in this case. There always is, if we are willing to be quiet and hear the soft persistent voice speaking from our hearts.
All was in readiness finally. Julia was coaching me to act in integrity, my girlfriend was finally willing to have me come down and have dinner with her, and I was preparing for an experience I had never had in my many years on the planet.
I’ll pick up from here when Julia is next inspired to continue the story!
----(Julia's story)
Today (as I write this, it's November 7, 2005) is the 8-year anniversary of a major turning point in Rick's and my early relationship (see the last installment to see what happened), so it seems fitting that I’d finally get around to adding a chapter to the “soulmate saga” today. This time of year, I’m inclined to go back into my files of “Rick mail” and enjoy that magical time again through our writings. He and I both kept every email that passed between us—and, in fact, we keep all the emails we exchange to this day!
As I read the ones from November 7th, 1997, (there are 13 from that day in my files—we were prolific!), it brings back the memories of how my willingness to sacrifice our relationship in order to be in integrity brought such immense energy and clarity and power. At first, even though he’d admitted he’d rather be with me, I was encouraging him to deal with his relationship so that if it was meant to continue, they could continue with integrity. Here are some snippets of our exchange that day:
----
Julia:
Yes, OF COURSE you would rather be with me—for now I am the part of you you like the best about yourself. But sooner or later the "uutsy" parts of our relationship—the stuff which reflects what you like least about yourself—is bound to show up. Maybe this is the beginning of that period as I seem to have "lit up" a space in you which you did not want to look at--the part that is afraid of honesty's power to affect others.
Rick:
It does not change what I know. That is the piece of my being afraid that I did not say on the phone last night. You are doing your best to help us get to a more stable, more buddy-based place to be, and I'm swallowing my tongue because I don't want to spoil the plan. Don't worry, I will do everything I can to be your buddy. I needed, this morning as I read your note, to say this, though. You are everything I never knew I always wanted.
Julia:
I say this without fear you will think me conceited: I know that I am that to you. It is one reason why it has been frustrating for me that you had not, until last night, expressed any real doubts about your relationship with (girlfriend’s name). It is too big a piece of reality to keep pretending about. It must be a factor in how you proceed with her, not that it needs to split you apart, but it is something which you need to look at about yourself and for yourself so that you can bring the truth of yourself into your relationship with her. And with me.
It was good to hear you admit that you feel scared about (girlfriend’s) insecurities—I want you to be real with me—which is tantamount to being real with yourself. I am hoping that you will always remain honest with yourself and true to yourself when it comes to (girlfriend). It is the only way to help her. Loving her, but not giving up who you are to cater to her insecurities is the only way in the long run. You don't want to spend your life trying to convince someone of something that has to come from within her—that she is worthy. If she is not up to being really, really honest, then she is not--your relationship is not—what either of you need.
Rick:
I know. And, more than anything, I'm scared of the hurt. Not for me... somehow, pain and I became so well-acquainted in my late teens and early twenties that I know I can handle it. I see too much hurt... too much pain, and my name right out front on the marquee: Pain, starring Rick Hamrick. This has always been the hardest thing for me to do: do what is right for me, knowing that it will hurt someone else. Instead, I try to avoid the infliction and take it on, myself.
Julia:
Wow. He tries to be a super-hero. "I can withstand the pain! I will protect all from their feelings and their growth opportunities so that I won't have to bear the pain of seeing their pain!" I know you see the bogus-ness in that. The ironic part is their pain is going to be their pain in the end, just all saved up for them in a huge wallop instead of in manageable doses they can deal with as it comes...
If your relationship is really going to work past the first blush of discovery and fascination and infatuation, you had better--both of you--be ready to give it all up at any minute in order to let the Truth have its way. That, in my opinion, is the only way your (or any other) relationship has any chance at all of being a Big-Love caliber relationship—which I know you are VERY capable of and ready for—at least that is my projection in the matter.
----
Indeed, he was ready. I will share how we got from the “Julia as buddy/relationship coach” phase, to the “We have GOT to be together” phase in the next installment.
How true the old saying is, “If you love something, let it go free. If it is yours, it will return to you...” I certainly found that out on Nov. 7, 1997. It’s one of the most powerful lessons I ever learned. That, and that taking a stand for the truth—for integrity—is a gigantic frequency booster! I was one joyful woman that day! While I was coaching him about his relationship from a very clear space, I knew deep in my heart that he was my soulmate and that ours was "Big Love."
----(Rick's story)
While Julia goes for the higher vision of what we were up to at this time in our relationship—and I was right there with her much of the time—there was still one little problem to be dealt with: I was in a relationship, even if by this point in the evolution of our (Julia’s and mine) relationship, I absolutely knew where I belonged. It wasn’t with the person I was with at the time.
I’ll admit right here in front of anyone who wanders by that the prospect of ending a relationship simply frightened me no end. Let’s face it, I was in my 40’s by the time Julia and I met, so it’s not like I had not already had a good many years of being in relationships with women. Here’s the key, though: not once in those 30 years of relationships had I been the one who decided it was over. Never.
There was a moment in my life when I was in my 20’s and talking with my best friend, when the realization hit me that I had not been in a relationship with a woman that I had instigated! I did manage to figure out that side of the relationship cycle—after all, that’s the fun part, when you first meet someone and decide you want to get to know each other better—and become active participant instead of leaf carried wherever the current goes. At some point we all have to reach a level of maturity where we are, at least at the human level, driving our lives some of the time (please note that this entire soliloquy is not coming from my Higher Self for the most part, but from my small, human, duality-living self, and that’s okay. I’m talking about a time in my life when I was much less able to stay with something higher for very long).
So, as Julia quoted in her description of that time, we had reached a point where I was professing my love for her, and she was steering me to complete what I was doing with integrity, whether that meant finding a way to remain with the person I was in relationship with, or finding a way to come out of it ethically and responsibly.
Not so coincidentally I have come to know, my then-girlfriend had been sick for a few days and had insisted that I not drive down to see her and help her (I’m a pretty good nurse, able to heat a can of soup or fix some dry toast without hurting myself or wrecking the kitchen, and able to comfort those in need without losing patients [sorry…it came out of the keyboard that way so it must be God making a joke]). While I was certainly willing to drive down (she lived 60 miles from me) and take care of her, she was quite insistent that I not do so.
Here we were at this pause in everyone’s life who was intimately involved with this little drama: my girlfriend sick and not wanting to see me, my soulmate (Julia) declining yet to accept the love I was fully committed to offering her until she did, and me wondering what the heck I was doing in the driver’s seat! At that moment, I knew why I had let events take their own course so many times in the past: it beat the heck out of steering when the road was unfamiliar and had no guardrails to keep things headed in the right direction. Scary? You bet!
No doubt, regardless of how much I knew of it at the time, there was Higher Wisdom at work in this case. There always is, if we are willing to be quiet and hear the soft persistent voice speaking from our hearts.
All was in readiness finally. Julia was coaching me to act in integrity, my girlfriend was finally willing to have me come down and have dinner with her, and I was preparing for an experience I had never had in my many years on the planet.
I’ll pick up from here when Julia is next inspired to continue the story!
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