Our own relationship story (part eight)

Part eight of our story. Again, the story begins with the earliest posts to this blog, so you may wish to read from oldest back up to the newer ones.


----(Julia's story)

So…as I left off last time, Rick and I were finally both on the same page with the knowing that we were in love and being powerfully drawn together, and Rick was knowing that he needed to break it off with…we’ll call her “Susan” (not her real name). For him, it was really something terrifying to contemplate, as he had never broken up with anyone before. I, on the other hand, had a track record of breaking things off with men. Since the breakup of my first marriage, and learning the lesson of how much better it feels not to lie to yourself or to stay in a relationship where you’re not fully able to be yourself and have the kind of emotional intimacy you really want, I’d never been inclined to stay in any relationship that was unhealthy. By the time I found Rick, I had lots of practice at taking my leave from men. So I was a bit perplexed at what the big deal was for him! But he is a very kind-hearted guy, and didn’t want to hurt Susan.

I was eager for him to go ahead and do the deed, and, despite his trepidation, he was ready to just get it taken care of, but she got sick, and asked him not to come see her, much to Rick’s chagrin, so his breaking up with her had to be postponed for a few days. In the meantime, we talked a lot about things, and I coached him to be lovingly honest and to visualize it going well. When at last (okay, it was only about a week, but a week at that point felt like months), she sent word that she was ready for him to come see her, I arranged to be at a girlfriend’s house so that I wouldn’t drive myself crazy wondering about it. I was really nervous for him, and prayed that she would take the news well and not be too hurt. Here is part of our email exchange from that day, Nov. 21, 1997:

===

Rick:

I thank you for loving me, for being so open to my love, and for helping me see who I am capable of being.

Julia:

I am so pleased with the progress you have made toward making tonight's duty clean, clear, and loving. I can feel your confidence and strength.

Rick:

I'm pretty relaxed about it. For setting out to do something I have never done in my life, I'm surprisingly relaxed. All the visualizations and the talks we have had, as well as asking Spirit to be with me during this time, have made me as ready as I can be.

Julia:

This is a blessed mission--a critical part of us becoming completely US without any unclarity to sully our union. As you know, (my inner child issues aside) it has always been somewhat of a cloud lurking in the background of this thing we call US, and after tonight, it will be cleared away, the integrity of US, complete.

Rick:

I'm about 15 minutes from leaving for the Springs, and you know just what I need. The weather today--first the clouds coming in, then the sun peeking out, now the wind whipping up a bit, reminds me of the many possible outcomes tonight. All of them have one thing in common, and that is the very clarifying you refer to above. I look forward to that clarity and will hold the importance of it in my heart.

Julia:

I am very glad that you understand that your being clear and being true to yourself (and to US) is ultimately a blessing to her as well. That will help you withstand the parts where you will see pain in her face. Temporary pain in exchange for her freedom to create something more appropriate for her. Growing pains. I will keep her particularly in my heart tonight.

Rick:

I pray that she is able to feel the truth of this concept, as well. Growing pains... that will stick with me and come back when I need it, too. Thank you for your willingness to feel for her tonight!

===

And off he went. I expected it to be late when I heard from him, but was surprised when he called me a very short time after I knew he would have gotten to her house.

“It’s done,” he said, and proceeded to tell me that she had pretty much figured the whole thing out, and was expecting what happened—or at least, was prepared for it, and was not eager for him to hang around and hash things out, so she asked him to leave, which he did gladly. I was so relieved! I had braced myself for him to be really upset, with a possible report of her being really upset as well, but as it turned out, the whole episode was kind of anti-climactic since she had already intuited that it was over.

And then again—it was a spectacular moment, as we were finally free to be together! I’ll stop here, and let Rick tell what he remembers of it from his perspective.


----(Rick's story)

As you read in Julia's entry, we worked for days on my confidence and my own visualizations of an outcome that was clear-cut and, at the same time, done with feeling and honesty. There is no doubt in my mind that the week's delay was designed with my own preparation in mind. Spirit runs an efficient operation, you know!

I hopped in the van and drove the 60 miles or so to "Susan's" house. It was in the fall, so it was dark by the time I got there. When I walked in, she greeted me, but I could feel that she well knew things weren't the same.

We began to talk, and it soon became apparent that we were both aware that I was now heading down a different path than we both had thought only weeks before. Then, she confessed that, although she had the table set for dinner and had food ready to cook, she also had gotten my stuff together for easy transport. She was ready to go either way, depending upon what happened when I walked in the door.

Having spent a number of weekends at her house, there was a small collection of my stuff that had accumulated. I now discovered it carefully boxed up in her spare bedroom.

We spent a short while talking, but neither of us wanted to draw the scene out any longer than necessary. It wasn't a bad scene at all, but it was an uncomfortable situation. I had arrived that evening intending to hear her out for as long as she wished to talk or ask questions, or even rant if that was what she needed to do. I was surprised when she was done within a matter of minutes, and we decided it was time for me to leave. I loaded the few boxes of stuff into my van and headed back to Denver.

Of course, relief was the major emotion I felt on that drive back. I was glad to have had an honest and heartfelt conversation with my friend, and I was glad to now look forward to deciding with Julia where we were heading. One major complication for us had been dealt with, and I felt it had happened in a way that was gentle and honest.

Within a day or two, my friend did write me, asking some questions. I wrote her a long return message, and she was able to accept my answers in the spirit I offered them: I had never been dishonest with her, I had simply been struck by lightning when Julia came into my life. It was my own inability to see the truth of it for a few weeks that delayed things. It was important to me that my friend asked those hard questions of me, because I knew she deserved to hear what was in my heart, and we really had not come to closure the evening I was last at her house.

In less than a month from that night, Julia was flying to Denver for our first face-to-face meeting. By that time, we had exchanged thousands of email messages, and we had spent hundreds of hours on the phone. I don't believe two people could know each other any better within a couple of months while never setting eyes on each other.

We did have a small miscommunication happen when it came time to finally get together. I was making plans to fly to North Carolina at the same time as Julia was planning to fly to Denver. Fortunately, we did not end up in a real-life sitcom episode and fly simultaneously to opposite cities!

More to come…